I finally have an opportunity to write in the here and now, to share the thoughts that just came to my mind just like that after todays little “breakdown” of tears and frustration.
Caused by the houghts about my neck issues and my cronic pain.
Why me? Why not some lazy f*ck who hates working out and whom spend most of her/his time on the couch? WWill i ever get better? Will i ever be able to train again? Who am i without my exercises and the endorphines rushing through my brain? Gaaahhhhh…I dont know! Im nobody! What else am i going to do in life if i cant workout, i cant sit at the computer, i cant read, i cant be too physical at any job, i cant do office work…will i ever become good at something else?
Yepp, its a total head f*ck! Really!
This is defenitely what i call a MIND POP!
After calming down, washing the tears of my face and telling myself “Come on, dont be such a pussy. Go ahead with things and be positive. It could have been so much worse…the thought about came to my head. SELF CHANGING. Cause yeah, i can go ahead with things but im going ahead as a different person, not even close to the person i was. And that is not a walk in the park, its mentaly excausting, its from time to time depressing and most its so f*cking frustrating. Because according to me so far this new person is not better than the old one. Defenitely not physicaly.
Then i was thinking about “LIFE CHANGING moments”, that they are often mentioned and spoken about. For sure a “SELF CHANGING moment” will drag along a “LIFE CHANGING” one as well. When you change as a person i guess its impossible to not make any kind of life change on the way.
I think that to change as a person and to make the environment and people around you to accept this is the reason why its not spoken about as much. To change as a person is in our todays society a threat to everything and everyone around you. Sometimes it almost feels like taboo (is that the english word for “tabu” in swedish?). People like to put other people into different categories, it makes it easier for them then to know how to deal with you, both in the teori and in real life. The society likes having the same kind of grip on people. As long as they know kinf of WHAT you are they know how to control you.
I also think that its more important than ever in todays society to have an identity. If you are not anybody you doesnt exist and if you are not SPECIAL you wont be seen. So people create a world around them where they are “THIS” person, find comfort within that world and people around you find their comfort in that they know exactly WHAT you are.
I know its deep and complicated thoughts but this is normaly the kind of thoughts that passes through my mind when im not busy doing things OR when im out walking because WALKS…wow…i can solve world problems when im out walking, haha! Sometimes it feels like my IQ grows literaly “STEP by STEP”! Anyway. I need to do todays second session of rehab for my neck now (second of four) and i have been sitting for to long, pain is discover its way up through my back to the neck now. So let me get going.
So to the conclusion of my thought…i think that “SELF CHANGING moments” are not spoken about as often as the “LIFE CHANGING” ones cause its not as accepted from the environment around people to change as a person as it is to “BE BRAVE” and make a life change (cause thats normaly the way people react on peoples life changes. As long as you are not the guy/girl whom got kicked out the house during this change or the friend who was getting the “F*ck you-you are out of my life”).
I also think that a “SELF CHANGE” is sometimes not as easy to accept as a “LIFE CHANGE” due to the self itself. Thats how i feel. LOST & SCARED! Who am i now!
Dont worry! I will get through this as well. Guess time will introduce me to my NEW SELF one day as long as i put good effort into my decisions and my way of thinking about things in the mean time. I love that i can share this on the blog though, it makes me put it into words and play it down a bit.
LOVE from Zambia <3